Thursday, December 22, 2011

How The Kvetch Got Over December

Everyone in New York liked December a lot
But the Kvetch of Washington Heights, she did not

She wasn’t a fan of the early winter season
And why, you may ask? Like you don’t know the reason…
It could be the Brooklyn commute was a wreck
It could be all those songs were annoying as heck

But most likely it was that New York’s most happy day
Was making her see her own Chag in that way

Think about it,
She’d been told her whole life that Chanukah was unique
With much more behind it than shopping price peak,
That the songs all the stores were incessantly playing
Were coincidental. It’s December, just sayin’!

In elementary school, the principal went so far as to say
The Holiday season should be shunned all the way:
“You’re acknowledging a day that’s long been remembered,
As the cause so many of us were dismembered
Through thousands of years, bearing the false guilt
Because well-meaning blood was (by Romans) spilt!”
And whatever the reason for what he did,
That speech was enough to scar any kid.

And on through the years, the Kvetch had it out
Arguing with anyone who came about
To claim that the Jews of New York needed no reason
To feel cheerful, just like everyone else at that season!

"So what if the songs are ignoring OUR day,
Do you really want Chanukah compared that way?
Do you really want people pairing them together,
Two occasions to get our minds off the bad winter weather?
You find so much meaning in the Hasmonaen victory
And what it means to your people’s history
And the oil to remind you, its okay to believe
In Miracles, such a great gift to receive!
Just enjoy your Chanukah, and don’t compare
To that other holiday enjoyed somewhere..."

But the Kvetch of the Heights found she had to confess
That the December season for her was a mess.
To enjoy the spirit wasn’t right, for it meant
Giving significance to dollars spent
And to songs, and to string lights, and red hat-edge furs
Signs of a day that simply weren’t hers.

So she shouted,
“Must you aid retailers raising their stocks,
‘Cause you just HAD to buy that pair of Dreidel Socks?
Can’t you block out the songs so you don’t have to hear it?
Why join the masses in December spirit?”

But then…
The Kvetch found herself enjoying the glow
Of those eight little candles lit up in a row
And so what if the lights along 181st
Were making her forget about cold winter’s worst?
It’s not like to her they meant Dec. 25th,
Just a warm little joy to fill in the rift.

And so what if the soundtrack Starbucks was employing
Could sometimes swell up and get really annoying?
And she had to admit, Chanukah songs also leeched
Into her subconscious while giving a speech:

(That really did happen to me one time
I did not make it up ‘cause I needed a rhyme).
And even her blogpost, this week so abstruse
Is based, with apologies, on one Dr. Seuss.

To heck with it,
Thought the exhaustible Kvetch,
Sit down at your laptop and make a cartoon sketch.
And try not to think about, or even remember
How Jewish TV characters are Christians in December,
And how Annie from Community took any cause
To dress up this year like sexy Santa Claus...
Instead, think of a good cause, and of dreidels spinnin’
Enjoy your eight days and feel like you’re winnin’
Sing Maoz Tzur, who cares what people say
They’ve got no right to take those good feelings away.
If you feel you must sing, then for G-d sake, let’s hear it
Me, I’d love to see some Chanukah spirit!

So to all of our readers, yes, this was cheap
And a sordid excuse to use holiday-speak
And yes, you can say that this post had no point
"From your usual writing, a total disjoint!"

But for your information, I’ve been low on caffeine
And it’s hard to write when you’re coughing up green
(And inventing rhymes in any inflection
Is harder when you’ve got a bacterial infection)

So excuse my horrible Chanukah post
And let me enjoy the eight nights I love most
Scarf down your latkes, on spiced-wine imbibe
And have a Happy Chanukah, from Arbitribe!


  1. *LOVES*

    PS That hood is hilarious.

  2. I got my menorah socks for $2 in Marshalls in mid-March.

    And I was so annoyed with Annie, but in her defense she was brainwashed by Glee. I have hope that it won't get canceled.

    I find it aggravating how gentiles, who have never heard of Succos and Shavuos and Purim are eager to discuss Chanukah, thinking it is a MAJOR holiday. "Did you get any presents?" It's not about presents! Maybe some gelt if I'm lucky, but no presents! That's your thing!

    Calm down, Kvetch, I tell myself.

  3. Wait, you didn't draw me or John!


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