How The Kvetch Got Over December

Everyone in New York liked December a lot

But the Kvetch of Washington Heights, she did not

She wasn’t a fan of the early winter season

And why, you may ask? Like you don’t know the reason…

It could be the Brooklyn commute was a wreck

It could be all those songs were annoying as heck

But most likely it was that New York’s most happy day

Was making her see her own Chag in that way

Think about it,

She’d been told her whole life that Chanukah was unique

With much more behind it than shopping price peak,

That the songs all the stores were incessantly playing

Were coincidental. It’s December, just sayin’!

In elementary school, the principal went so far as to say

The Holiday season should be shunned all the way:

“You’re acknowledging a day that’s long been remembered,

As the cause so many of us were dismembered

Through thousands of years, bearing the false guilt

Because well-meaning blood was (by Romans) spilt!”

And whatever the reason for what he did,

That speech was enough to scar any kid.

And on through the years, the Kvetch had it out

Arguing with anyone who came about

To claim that the Jews of New York needed no reason

To feel cheerful, just like everyone else at that season!

"So what if the songs are ignoring OUR day,

Do you really want Chanukah compared that way?

Do you really want people pairing them together,

Two occasions to get our minds off the bad winter weather?

You find so much meaning in the Hasmonaen victory

And what it means to your people’s history

And the oil to remind you, its okay to believe

In Miracles, such a great gift to receive!

Just enjoy your Chanukah, and don’t compare

To that other holiday enjoyed somewhere..."

But the Kvetch of the Heights found she had to confess

That the December season for her was a mess.

To enjoy the spirit wasn’t right, for it meant

Giving significance to dollars spent

And to songs, and to string lights, and red hat-edge furs

Signs of a day that simply weren’t hers.

So she shouted,

“Must you aid retailers raising their stocks,

‘Cause you just HAD to buy that pair of Dreidel Socks?

Can’t you block out the songs so you don’t have to hear it?

Why join the masses in December spirit?”

But then…

The Kvetch found herself enjoying the glow

Of those eight little candles lit up in a row

And so what if the lights along 181^st

Were making her forget about cold winter’s worst?

It’s not like to her they meant Dec. 25^th,

Just a warm little joy to fill in the rift.

And so what if the soundtrack Starbucks was employing

Could sometimes swell up and get really annoying?

And she had to admit, Chanukah songs also leeched

Into her subconscious while giving a speech:

(That really did happen to me one time

I did not make it up ‘cause I needed a rhyme).

And even her blogpost, this week so abstruse

Is based, with apologies, on one Dr. Seuss.

To heck with it,

Thought the exhaustible Kvetch,

Sit down at your laptop and make a cartoon sketch.

And try not to think about, or even remember

How Jewish TV characters are Christians in December,

And how Annie from Community took any cause

To dress up this year like sexy Santa Claus...

Instead, think of a good cause, and of dreidels spinnin’

Enjoy your eight days and feel like you’re winnin’

Sing Maoz Tzur, who cares what people say

They’ve got no right to take those good feelings away.

If you feel you must sing, then for G-d sake, let’s hear it

Me, I’d love to see some Chanukah spirit!

So to all of our readers, yes, this was cheap

And a sordid excuse to use holiday-speak

And yes, you can say that this post had no point

"From your usual writing, a total disjoint!"

But for your information, I’ve been low on caffeine

And it’s hard to write when you’re coughing up green

(And inventing rhymes in any inflection

Is harder when you’ve got a bacterial infection)

So excuse my horrible Chanukah post

And let me enjoy the eight nights I love most

Scarf down your latkes, on spiced-wine imbibe

And have a Happy Chanukah, from Arbitribe!